Aidan Patrick is here! The past two and a half months have been full of wonder, emotion, and love deeper than I ever imagined was possible. It really is like having my heart outside of my body. Very raw. I now have first hand, daily reminders of what it means to have a 'tender heart of sadness'. It is nearly unbelievable that a year and a day ago, we found out that we were going to have a baby. We spent January and February referring to Aidan as our little blueberry. I feel like I've lived a whole lifetime since then. That I've evolved into a new person. A gentler person. A more grounded person. A person with deeper faith. I am living my dharma. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am doing EXACTLY what I am meant to be doing. What a relief--in most ways. Other questions do loom: How can I balance being a mama with my work as a teacher? Will I have the energy to do both with love and mindfulness? How will I tolerate the speed at which time now seems to be passing ? (How it is possible that time sped up so much since our Cuddle Bean was born?) In the spirit of mindfulness, when these questions get me hooked, I come back to now. Here's how:
1. When I am awake in the middle of the night with my little one, exhausted, I breathe in his smell, feel his warmth cuddled into my chest, breathe in love, and breathe it out through my heart, pores, and hands, into his tiny body. I remind myself that someday, when he is about 17, I will be awake in the middle of the night hoping that he'll make good choices and come home safe.
2. When I am nursing, I nurse. I don't distract myself on the computer or by watching TV. I try to take in the miracle. I can nourish this human being...this bundle of pure potential. We gaze into each other's eyes. Sometimes it is just funny because he will look up at me and grin a great big gummy grin, (even though there's a nipple in his mouth), and give a big sigh and I will just crack up laughing. I feel his warm little body against mine and celebrate our connection.
3. When he is crying and I know it's not because he's hungry, wet, or sick, I just hold him lovingly, look at him, and listen. I let him know that I love him and that it's okay to cry. I bear witness to the rise and fall of his emotions and hope in my heart that this will help him to know that he is loved unconditionally. Many times after a good cry, he gets calm, heavy, sleepy and he just cuddles right into me.
4. I make time everyday to meditate. It's not usually longer than 20 minutes and it's not usually first thing in the morning anymore. But, this 10-20 minute practice has helped me get into the habit of returning to my breath and focus at other times in the day.
5. I practice gratitude, either by writing down what I am grateful for from that day, or mentally listing at least ten things I am grateful for before I fall asleep.
